it’s such a bummer that losing control of your emotions only makes the entire situation worse in really embarrassing personal ways. losing control of my emotions should give me pyrokinesis.
She’s gone. You’re the one who reached out to me. You’re the one who apologized first. You’re the one who sent ME the happy birthday text. Now I find out you pass away through a story that was sent to me, through iMessage. I don’t know why this detail matters, but I’m blaming myself, because how could I be so out the loop?
I could of done so much more. I could of texted you so much more. I could of told you how much I appreciate you. How funny you are to me. How you are the funniest person to me. Why didn’t I keep our text messages.? I don’t keep anyone’s messages anymore, if we don’t talk everyday, but why didn’t I keep yours anyways? What took you away from me? Did you know that I loved you? How much I cared about you? I didn’t know that’s be our last time hanging out. I didn’t know the last time us hanging out would be at our favorite nacho spot that closed down. Where everything started with the group of friends we had. What did I leave with you? You told me last time we talked that your mother adores me. I didn’t know what to make of it and I don’t know why. I’m terrified of seeing her. I’m scared to see you in a state other than lively.
This doesn’t even fit. None of this fits. Did you know who you are to me? Regardless of everything that’s happened. The people you’ve warned me about, the compliments you’d give me, the laughter you’d poor out to me. I’m clinging on to every word you said to me when we last saw each other. Cause of my horrible memory I can’t remember much, but I’ll pray so replay it like a movie.
I’ve never lost anyone that I cared about this much.
I love you C.
I don’t know what else to say. I blame myself for not trying to build more of a relationship with you. I hope you forgive me and I hope God does too.
You’re the funniest person I ever knew and I know that would make you smile.
Thank you for everything. I’m sorry you can’t read this now.
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